by

Reverend Marcia Howland

Where is home? Is it where you grew up, where you are now or where you may be in the future? The old saying, “home is where the heart is” has a different ring for global family movers than when people were born, lived and died in the same place.

As you think about going home there will be some new relational additions: new marriages, new babies, or new in-laws. Some may be missing: killed in war, accident, violent acts, illness, or old age.

Jane Isay includes a chapter about “Home for the Holidays” in her book Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parent.

She shares several stories about difficult relationships and changing to heal family wounds.

This year, what will happen at your family table? There is a choice of exchanging misery for joy of failures or past difficulties, of writing fresh scripts with forgiveness and new traditions, and of injecting hope, faith, and love for the future.

We cannot change the past but we can resolve to say what needs to be said to clear out hurt feelings and bond more closely to our family. All relationships have rough spots. Ira Byock says it is never too soon to say “I love you” or premature to say, “Thank you,” “Will you please forgive me,” or “I forgive you.”

His four simple phrases loose us from the burdens of old grudges and misconceptions of the past. They help us to avoid living with “awkward silences and uncomfortable issues” that distance us from others in the present. They add a sense of well-being and joy that can be projected into the future.

When families get together, the tendency is to replay the emotional history, positive or negative. When children are young, the parent is in charge. Adult children

can feel powerless or judged even though they are making it on their own. Parents need to learn how to let go of the child and children need to respect the parents.

The distance we live from each other these days offers little opportunity to work on the deficits or enjoy the good things. Isay expresses it this way. “Out of a petri dish flows all the old feelings and relationships which spring to life and multiply." Social and emotional “medicine” brings healing for those who decide to make the future different.

While we are who we are as families, changing the setting, the rituals, the manner in which things are planned and completed can offer new vigor to family relationships without totally parting from meaningful traditions We can only change ourselves. Life is short – at best we have limited time to imprint our family relationships with hope, love and faith. Parents can’t change our children to suit themselves. As parents grow older they are less inclined to change themselves to suit their children.

Whatever your holiday planning, be it driving, flying, doing something different, being with friends or home alone, don’t stub your toe on what you don’t have. Make every effort to fill your holidays with what you have.

Resources: Walking on Eggshells, Jane Isay; The Four Things that Matter Most, Ira Byock